I was frustrated today after we got off the phone, but I did what I usually do and just pushed it under the rug. But it actually hurt me more than I expected. You know I never try to purposely burden you or bring any type of stress to your life. I have been taking care of myself to the best of my abilities and tried to tend to every family problem whether I knew what I was doing or not for as long as I can remember. I’m doing what I can to support myself both emotionally and financially but there are some things I just can’t do myself. You have always responded to change or obstacles with anger, that is like your go to emotion and I kinda just accepted that but I don’t want to anymore. You know there are a lot of random unexpected things that happens in life like the car accident I had a couple of weeks ago or that time when the trees in our backyard fell onto the neighbor’s fence. Neither you or me asked for those things to happen. So yes, you’re stressed and I’m stressed but those incidents weren’t in our control. Within the past few years I have been in about three accidents, none of which where I was at fault. I’m getting better at learning how to deal with this stuff, but it didn’t help that on the day I called your first response was “you got into a car accident, not me so why are you calling me” or when you called me several times in a row a few days after just to tell me that you think I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m screwing everything up like the first time. I know you have a lot on your plate dealing with home and the business, but it isn’t any easier on my end either dad. I’m still a student, I’m still a kid basically. I rarely get enough sleep and then out of no where I had to add in several chiropractor appointments, doctor appointments, and make calls to insurance companies left and right. I’m also scared for my own future whether I’ll make it to medical school. And during this time, I didn’t need you to figure out the insurance stuff, I didn’t need you to pay for anything, the only thing I wanted from you was for you to support me, to be my dad. An older sister in my church told me a few weeks ago that I needed to learn to let David play his part as an older brother and I didn’t even know how that looked like. And now I don’t even know how it would look to ask you to play that role as a father, but I believe it is time. My family is supposed to be the place where I find security and comfort but I can’t even find it there. This world is a lonely place sometimes and with my lack of trust in everyone, I feel like I’m this isolated island. So dad, I’m sorry for being disrespectful when I get too overwhelm when we talk but please with all things set aside, be my dad. I need you daddy more than ever. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t play the role as mom, dad, and brother to myself.
Your baby girl
A few weeks ago I was in Fort Worth for a summer internship at Texas College of Medicine (TCOM) as a part of the Joint Admission Medical Program (JAMP). And towards the end, a group of friends and I headed to an indoor trampoline park called Flight Deck. Everything was all good and dandy as we jumped around and pretended to be beast basketball dunkers. But then we reached the foam pit and everyone started trying to do front and back flips. Eventually, almost everyone was able to do it but me and another friend. Even with several friends coaching and encouraging me, I just couldn’t do it. I would look at the pit and be so confused on why I couldn’t just try. I have gone sky diving where I jumped out of a plane, have jumped of a 25-foot totem pole, but was too “scared” to jump into a pit of foam. What kind of logic was that?
This past Sunday a guest pastor from our Chicago site, Pastor Josh, gave a sermon titled “Growing Up in Your Salvation”. He asked us to really reflect on our relationship with Christ to answer a few questions some of which included, (1) are we experiencing transformation? (2) are we desiring God as much as we desire the air that we breathe? and lastly (3) how would we describe our current relationship with God?
And as I stood in that moment with the worship band playing beautifully in the background, I thought back to a few weeks ago. My relationship with God at the moment can be illustrated by the scene at the trampoline park. I’m jumping up and down on that trampoline, building up the momentum to attempt the flip but just as I am about ready to go I stop. I slow down, come to a halt, step back and say “I can’t do it”. God is like the foam pit in front of me, with His arms wide open ready to catch me, but I’m too afraid to take that step. Fear of whether I can actually “make that jump” hinders me from even going. Just how I am with God right now, not trusting whatever plan or whatever route He has for me whether it’s concerning academics or my relationships. I would rather walk away from the pit and go play somewhere else where I’m in control than to take that jump. But that only leads to another statement Pastor Josh made, “being filled with something lesser causes dislike of what is Greater”, which limits us from having any growth. That transformation that we’re desiring for can only be experienced if we decide to go deeper into Christ. I’m not exactly sure of the steps I need to take in order to built up the confidence, faith, and courage to take that step, but I know I won’t even get a chance at a front flip, unless I jump.
I started the year with my family, rather than being in tears I was filled with laughter. It was most definitely a busy month. Going to Colorado, playing in the snow, tricking my family into going to a Korean Baptist church, attending Anthology, experiencing and witnessing someone accept Christ, started VBlogging, enrolled into the Perspectives course, fasted for two weeks, recorded my fourth song “Come Home” and went to a Propaganda + Beautiful Eulogy concert.
It’s 4 AM and I can’t seem to find a piece of strength in me. This semester so far has stretched me so much and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I’m laying here, tired out of my mind but the uneasiness is keeping me up. Tonight, I broke. It was just a single phone call but somehow it turned my mood upside down. I was doing okay dealing with the pressure of school and my convictions. Yet after that call, I suddenly felt like a slave to this world. For some reason it just hurt so much. I’m trying to follow obediently after You, but I am just so tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.
God, may I find comfort in You knowing that You’re bigger and stronger than any of this. You wear the Victor’s crown, ALWAYS.
It didn’t take long till the old routine came back into play. Those short visits home during the year were like little vacations, you know where everything is great and you’re just enjoying it, but of course paradise doesn’t last forever. The things I left behind for a year is now right back in my face, all the responsibilities, the fights, and the never ending list of errands to do. I’m either taking one of my grandpas or my grandmas to the doctor, solving issues for the house, making phone calls, settling problems, or baby sitting my parents. Today, I am sitting in my room with the familiar sound of those precious fights that I became so accustom to over the years. During its climax, when the violence kicks in that’s my cue to jump up and return to my position as referee. However, this time around I’m looking at everything from a different perspective. The same pattern of things are happening, but rather through my eyes I’m doing my best to see things from His viewpoint. Before leaving Austin, I received a letter from a very close brother of mine. I want to share a little bit of that here today, because those words have really helped me these past couple of weeks I have been home.
"…if you truly believe that God is sovereign and that He has a plan for you and your parents, and that your parents are in fact in His ‘book of life’, then the real battle is not between your testimony and their doubts and insults. The real battle is between God and Satan. Step back a little form your ‘mission’ (which is to be a witness to your parents/family) and see that every time you go home, it’s not against your parents that you are fighting against, but against the devil. And ultimately, if you have faith and believe that God truly does want your parents to be saved, it’s a guarantee victory…. God always wins every battle with Satan. And yours, and ours, strength comes from the fact that God is sovereign and that we have won the ultimate battle with Him"
Amen. Yes, it may be a little tiring each day and I may lose hope on other days but no matter what is happening I am comforted by the fact that He already won. It may be hard to see Him working when the efforts seem fruitless, but He is indeed here and doing more than I can imagine myself. But, I do ask for prayers. My parents are in desperate need of the Lord. May their hearts be soften and their eyes be open to be able to see and experience that love He has for them. And yes, we’re getting back to the swing of things as He continues to do what He does best which is love, support, and protect us.
It’s been a while since I have actually wrote on here rather than posting a video of some sort. It’s the middle of the last week of classes and suddenly I have all of this ambition. This year has truly been a year of challenges and new experiences. My faith has taken me to so many places I haven’t thought I’ll ever go. Here I am, a few months after the day I moved into my dorm room, and it seems as if I’m living in someone else’s life. I can’t even imagine how I lived a year ago. Surprisingly, a lot has changed but at the same time not much changed. He was truly evident in my life these past few months and I just can’t resist but smile has I reflect on everything that happened. I thank Him for the ups and downs, because that is how I got to where I am right now. Finals just a few days away, but I have so much peace in my heart that I’m not afraid or stressed. Of course, I’m worried whether I’ll do well but all I can do is do my best, right? He will take care of everything and I’ll trust Him with whatever the outcome may be. It is barely the end of my freshman year in college but there is so much I want do before I walk across that stage. I want to write enough poems to have my own chapbook, I want to get into a Poetry Slam team, I want to win a Poetry Slam, I want to write a novel, I want to jump out of a plane, I want to get into med school regardless of whoever questions my abilities to do so and I’m not going to lie but I want to meet the person God has planned for me, to experience a Christ centered relationship. So much excitement for what He has in stored for me, and recently I discovered something I hadn’t notice before and that was passion. I’m starting to feel passionate in pursuing my dreams, my goals. The few randoms thoughts floating through my head right now.